Being Vulnerable

Being Vulnerable, yeah, so I don't like it.  As my mother before me, I have always been a doer.  I usually can come up with six ways from Sunday to show up for someone, but when someone shows up for me,  I feel bad that I've put them in this position.  I feel very embarrassed when my emotions are out of control in front of someone. I especially feel miserable when the showing up is hard and ugly work. Yeah, all that today.
Today was not the best. I left the hospital at 7:30 this morning to run by Aunt Tish's for like the fifth supper the poor girl has provided for me this week, after not getting home till after six herself.
  A text from the neighbor thinking I'm still at the hospital, "Step outside the room and call me." 
Well, my mind went six thousand directions before he answered the phone.  The gully under the garage was washed full of tree debris in this awful rain and badly flooded Handy Man's garage, far into the chicken yard and side yard taking everything in it's path, including my little bunnies.  They found one, half drowned, I don't know if she'll survive it.  That dear neighbor called his firemen friends and they came in the rain and dug out the trees to stop the damage, chased down one pitiful bunny and put here where it was safe and searched for the other. Who does that. Wow, Wow!!!
I called the boys and they came running to assess damage and make a plan.  So  many kind folks have asked what they can do. The boys and a dumpster and a trailer will be here Thursday morning to clean out the garage and salvage what is salvageable.  If any able bodied person is available and would like to help empty the garage, I know they would welcome another set of hands.
If you see a big fire here, it is all the pile of wood.   Thankfully I had another bunny cage. One was destroyed and one wasn't found.   The Captain took my littlest bit home to nurse her back to health.  With all the rain expected I was afraid to have her out.
 I will not be sharing this information with Handy Man just yet. 

This morning Handy Man was doing great and asked for more eggs when I left to let the dog out.  When I got back, he didn't look as good as when I left and soon he was shaking all over, sick and dizzy, so very nauseous.  I called the nurse and she got a med, but it was four hours before he was able to hold his head up.  Then they come in and bring up going home.  Not till you find out what is causing this.
They sort of threaten you that this procedure will do no good if you don't walk and practice deep breathing.  How can you do any of that when you are so very sick.   Ugh.

I'm writing this here, more for my own record than anything.  On Friday a person found me in the waiting room and said she was a case manager and we would start discharge information now. Umm, he's barely off the vent, really?  She asked if I thought he'd have home health or rehab. I told her he was in great shape for the shape he was in and figured home health. Then she gave me a sheet of a dozen or more and said to research them and pick one and drop it off at her office, that day if I could- really?  I had nothing to research on and handed it over to Rae and asked her to do it. She did and had Michael run it back over to me but the office was closed and so I stuck it in my bag and promptly forgot all about it.  So after watching Handy Man be so sick and trying every trick I knew and not being any help at all, another woman walks in. Case Manager number two and the conversation that followed still floors me.
You didn't by any chance get a piece of paper  with a list of home health providers did you?
Yes, I did, it is right here, I picked this one.
Oh, well I feel like I should tell you that the insurance you have won't likely pay for that provider.
Umm, I don't really understand why you would give me a list of providers and tell me to pick one, but not tell me which ones that my insurance wouldn't pay for.
Well, actually, I don't know if that insurance will pay for any of these providers.
What then am I supposed to do?
You will just have to be diligent and do whatever needs to done and call the doctor if  you have a problem.
Vulnerable- yucck. I've held up pretty good this past week, but that was the old proverbial straw and I started sobbing.
Off she went saying she would check, just to be sure.
I cried for two hours.  Thankfully, Handy Man had finally gone to sleep.
Later, I had not heard from Leesh or Ceece about their Mom so I wondered why.  I asked the nurse where the waiting room was for a particular surgery and she directed me.  I found Leesh and it was way pass the time they told her for the surgeon to come out and give a report.  I waited with them awhile.  That is so awful when the clock is ticking fifteen, twenty, thirty ...  Come to find out, the surgeon forgot to come out and see the family and left, taking with him a rather serious report.
What in the world?
Then in comes the case manager and says, " Your insurance will cover the provider you picked out."
Really?
Then the cardiologist came in, again astounded at his vitals, but unable to tell me how things would go from here.  Then the surgeon came in a dropped a bomb shell I wasn't expecting.  " He's doing great, but this will take a long time and a couple of other admissions are expected."  Meaning he is expecting more heart failure that will land us back in the hospital, until this remodeled heart can heal.   Well, I guess I'd cried all my tears. I didn't faint either, but I sure felt faint. 
Maybe, Lord willing, he'll be the exception to the rule and there won't be anymore admissions in the near future.
Ceece's Mom has another hard road in front of her it looks like.  My head hurts and I'm just sad.
I have to  finish up here and head back to town before he is calling looking for me. 
But before I go I again want to say, "Thanks so very much," for keeping us fed and watered, for holding us up when we're falling down, for bravery in saving my bunny, for a plan for Handy Man's Garage, for every sandwich and smoothie and other yummy thing, for listening and praying. I am thankful.