Monday, July 16, 2018

The Grief Rolodex

Do you have one?  A brain that came equipped with a grief Rolodex?  My grief Rolodex has 4 cards.  That's not so many to manage it would seem.  Unfortunately though, I can't seem to control the way they flip.
There's the "Pragmatic Card." When that card is in a usable place it says, "Well, what did you expect. You are more than aware that certain bad habits and chronic depression point in a specific direction. You have now arrived at that destination."  Yeah, okay, I got it.
Then there is the "Mad Card."  You look about at the damage and you are just completely ticked that anyone would do such a thing.
Flip. Next up the "Naw, Didn't Happen Card."  I can move with amazing swiftness from understanding that this happens to being completely incredulous and sure that there  has to be some reasonable explanation and that we are just wrong.  David is somewhere and fine.

Lastly, we have the "Hysterical Card." This card I hate the most.  This is when my mind goes back to that little blonde, blue-eyed darling and tears flow and I feel very out of control.

 It is okay when I'm home by myself.  On Saturday, I ran into a friend in Target, who hadn't heard the news.  My brain flipped right to the "Pragmatic Card."  I was able to get through the entire explanation without an ounce of trouble.  Then, walking through the checkout, flip, tears.  I don't get it.  I spent ten hours with Mom yesterday who can only be described as pitiful and the "Mad Card" was flipped on all of those ten hours.  Hmm, I don't know.  It is just hard isn't it?

Thursday, July 12, 2018

It Takes a Village

Playdate had barely begun on Tuesday when I was made aware that there was a serious concern for David's welfare.  I had a yard full of kids and a list of fun for Science Playdate.   How grateful was I for Rae and Claire, Handy Man, Jenna Kyle and Bean, Bugg, Antebellie and Linee to take over for the agonizing wait to find that the concern was real and David was gone. I simply was barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Then the Cpt. who dropped what he was doing to deliver the news to his Uncle Jimi, while I raced with a heavy heart to my Mom.
I'm glad the kids were able to go on with their last Playdate inside that little innocent bubble of not yet knowing the cataclysmic change in our Village.
I tried to count all the grands, great grands and great, great ones.  The number has topped fifty.  That stopped me for a bit to feel a swell of gratefulness over the knowing that never has one been lost.  Then the tears that we can never say that again.
I'm flooded with memories. Taking care of him every day when Kaye went back to work and pretending he was mine.  I took David shopping, he was about three.  There was a current commercial on radio and TV for Digel.  We were talking about foods we liked and he quipped, "I like pickles, but they don't like me," quoting the commercial in his little boy voice that I still can hear.  Kaye taking his bottle  and telling him another baby needed it and David adamantly insisting she go to the store and buy that baby its own bottle. Trying to drop him at daycare and him pleading, "Just stay one more minute," and my heart breaking. When I stood in the emergency room for three hours in the middle of the night when he was fourteen while they stitched him up from a terrible car accident, so grateful as the surgeon said a just a small turn of his head in that wreck and there would have been nothing to save. His laugh and bright eyes on days when the world was an okay place for him.  Oh my. Thank you Lord for the grace that sustains us in these times.
My growing up Bean's view of Playdate-

Who can resist finding a treasure. A little water and salt mining.  This is the cheapest and easiest activity that delights young and old alike.

 Ahhh, free at last!

 Another favorite- those Orbeez.

 Yeah, not sure how this happened.

Next up, Dancing Raisins, only they didn't dance so well today.

Gobstoppers, how will colors saturate the water?

 Yes! Time for tools.  Time to dismantle the VCR lost in the last storm and the old fan that finally gave it up!

 But wait, I love puppies. I got to get this puppy out of here.

 This boy and his love of pictures of his feet.

 Got it!

 I got nothing on Miss Linee in the expressive storytelling department.

I'd like to know what brought on these expressions.

 Enough contrived science, let's get some natural science going.

 Be still my heart-tears.

 Lots of finds in the bucket.

A post nap Pixie girl. 

Wednesday was worse than Tuesday. Again, so thankful for Rae and Bugg and Jenna Kyle getting me through Woods Camp, after a long sob on the shoulder of a compassionate Ceece.