from the time she was wee, she loved babies.
She's color blind, really and really.
She had to have gotten that gene from both of us. The gene for baby loving she got from me.
More than anything, I wanted to be a mom, of many, and that really has ever been the desire of her heart.
I'd like to believe the gene for not seeing what color that baby is, also came from me.
New crayon in the crayola box, the color, "mine." The only one that matters to my girl.
I didn't know how hard it would be.
How that longing could stretch you in two.
How blessed I was to have a front row seat to that little joy bearing sprite we welcomed into the world two and a half years ago.
How absolutely horrified I was at what came after. Clutching one babe to my chest, while my grown up baby was fighting for her life.
Then the news that I wouldn't witness anymore babies that way.
Honestly, since you already know, relief. That is the most terrified I've ever been in my life.
Equally, broken hearted for that baby loving girl.
Here we are, you know.
Two years into this color blind desire for another baby. Who knew? Money, money, money, anxiety, joy, fear, the unknown.
A phone call, two babies Lord.
Yes, please, throw our name in the hat.
Our name, you know, is a picture book of her family.
So I pray, trusting you know that the prayer is hard and from my heart.
Lord, be merciful. Come close, peek into this place we're living.
Into that mama who's chosen life for those two little babies finishing up their last few weeks under heart. Look ahead, where we can't look, and see where those two tiny lives would best flourish and grow. Illuminate for that mama the "right" family. And when she chooses, let it be completely done.
I don't want to pray that prayer, you know. I want to scream, beg, plead, "What, what would it take, I'll do it, just pick her." " Pick my girl. "
I don't because, there are some things I know-
I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I've committed, unto Him against that day.
So I pray the prayer that never fails- "Your will be done."
Then, I add -
Please let a peace that passes understanding swirl around her bones and settle her heart and mind.