My emotions have certainly seemed to be all over this week. Bean turning five and starting kindergarten, summer being over, a wonderful night out with friends and chix wings ( two of my favorite things), an anonymous monetary gift blessing Pete and perhaps allowing another few nights of help for him, and Kaye.
Usually, I'm very stoic with Kaye, or at least I try to present that. She has enough going on without worrying about me. I save frustration and tears for the ride home, or to cry on Phil's shoulder when I get here. Now and again however, my heart gets squeezed too hard and it comes out my eyes, in spite of all efforts to swallow it. So it was last night.
Kaye took a long rest. When she woke up she wanted something and pointed to her mouth. I asked if she wanted a drink, "No." Okay, did she want me to wipe her mouth, "Yes." Of course, no washcloth, so I got paper towels and wiped her mouth. That wasn't what she wanted and she was growing more agitated with me by the minute. Then she was trying to tell me the doctor did it, mouth and underarm, okay, she's wants her temp taken, I call the nurse. But, by this time she is furious with me and with cutting eyes and tone let's me know, in no uncertain terms, that I am an idiot, and before I can yank them back, out pop the tears. So, I keep my head down and attempt to steady my voice as I straighten sheets, awaiting the nurse, not wanting her to see me upset. Then I notice her hands are cold and clammy and I realize that she is cold and what she wanted all along was the temperature changed. So I get a blanket, get her tucked in, ask if she's sick (nauseated) and she exclaims, "Yes!" So we take the temp-fine, then get the anti-nausea meds. I have her warmed up, meds on the way and she says, " I sorry," and I lose it. Luckily, she was tucked back in and couldn't see me very well, so I had a big, very quiet sob in my chair, wondering if she will ever feel good again. Wondering if this two-steps back in communication is temporary. Feeling so totally broken for her.
So, what's up? Hard to say. I've already used enigma and conundrum, so I'm out of descriptions.
Her white count is going down, but somehow all this has caused her blood to be too thin to risk a move to home, so she's still in the hospital. Today she was awake 20 minutes around one o'clock and ate some yogurt. Other than that, she was still in the same position she'd been in all day, still sleeping soundly when I left at 4:30. Her last med that is supposed to cause drowsiness was administered at 11 pm last night. No one can explain the sleepiness. Her kidneys still have an output, but the bladder won't, so now Pete has to learn how to do the in/out catheter twice daily.
The bladder antibiotic must go on for four more weeks and the C-Diff closely monitored. Now, she takes 22 different things daily. I am weary- we all are.
Her birthday is Tuesday. Last year at this time I was decorating for her big 6-0 tea party. She loved the day so much and I'm so glad I have that memory.
Sorry, this is kind of a downer