As the World Turns

What a strange and chaotic world today.  Once again Facebook, and I'm guessing all the other ways to communicate, is aflame with love and peace and anger. One person after another calling out everybody and his brother.  I always ponder the right or wrong of choosing not to enter that fray.  It isn't because I don't have a mountain's worth of empathy, curiosity, fear and the descriptors could go on and on.  I just don't believe I have single thing to say that hasn't been said.  Not only on Facebook, but throughout the history of the world where it seems, everywhere, at most all times there were those  who seemed to have an easier path.  It does not go beyond my notice that in this case, it is me.
I do struggle with understanding the struggle.  The "Why cause?"
Why can we all just be decent human beings?
Always I question, in what ways am I part of the problem?
I rather deliberately landed at a church where people are not all white.  Turns out I became friends with a lady who is black.  Why-because she's nice and why wouldn't I?  What she looks like didn't seem to play into the friendship.
Then there's this guy-

Who according to statistics doesn't have a lot going for him.  His sweet Mama is single, doesn't speak English fluently. His neighborhood is considered a bad one.  And if his current size is any indicator he will grow up to be what he is, big and black.  I do think about it, but it is hard, because to me, he's just a sweet, funny, three year old.  How you could feel differently about him is beyond my imagination. 

Have mercy, then there is one of my many hearts that call me Gramerly-


How could I love him more, I can't.
He is exactly the same color as the others, precious. I want to give everyone my eyes to see him with so I don't have to live in fear of him growing up to be, oh I don't know, a runner, who you know runs around his neighborhood.
So why do we have these divisions?  I teach at a mostly white school, but we have always had several children who are not- Korean, Black, Chinese, Guatamalan, Philipino.  The only time it matters is when we have to check off boxes on state forms.  When I have to teach about people who have been mistreated through the years, my kids are devastated and never fail to ask why in the world you would think less of someone.  I have no good answer.
And the violence, my heart is broken for those who are hurt and for the people who's property has been destroyed.
Do I think that is the wrong way to address the problem?  Well the peacemaker part of me surely does, but the Mama in me can see how such anger can swell and find a release. It is hard to see injustice in any form and not feel anger. It is for me anyway.  Rage is ugly and has ugly consequences.  Don't we all know that?  Does raging on social media make it better.  I doubt it since people just keep right on doing what they do.
I wish there was a good and easy answer.  I wish diatribes on social media could fix this situation.  Good luck with that.
Another same type of situation in the world- drugs.
I always read a good deal, but even  more in this current  Covid situation.  I just  finished Fentanyl,  Inc. by Ben Westoff. It was eye opening and terrifying. I think it should be required reading for everyone.  In the same way, we so often hear people spout about easy answers to these problems, when I cannot see any way easy through rampant drug addiction.
Both situations beg an answer to why people can't just behave and do the right thing.
 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” ( Galatians 5:22–23 ).
Again, I have no idea how to make anyone want to respond in these ways. It is all so very heartbreaking.

Happy Memorial Day

So, I got an e-mail about one last school picture needed of me to submit for yet another video.  This made me really cranky.  I had planned to clean house all day and wasn't feeling the love for putting on make-up, blah, blah, blah.   Especially since I submitted one picture already, that  I actually liked, that somehow was forgotten in the "Play" video, and a good-bye video I was asked to make for our 8th grade graduates, that somehow didn't work for the big video.  Oh, and let's not forget the enrichment video I was asked to do, did and submitted and then was asked could I just do it again on my phone.  I'm not bitter.

Yeah, I don't like pictures of myself, don't do selfies and certainly would only do a video under duress. So, make-up, and yeah, it is 88 degrees and as humid as all get out, so fixing this hair  was pointless.

People always say that curly haired people want straight hair and straight want curly.  Actually I don't mind my curly hair, it is just that my head is already soooo big and then you add those wild curls, I mean look at how big that makes my whole head/hair.  Big.  

I told the person requesting the picture that any kid I ever had would get this picture.  I either had glasses in my shirt, on my head and on my face, or I couldn't find a pair anywhere, sending second graders, scurrying like mice to try to find where I left them .Then all those devices, ugh. 

 So done and done. Do not be asking me for anything else that requires a device or a picture of me!

  Handy Man and I have worked really hard the last week to get a couple of outside areas set up so we could have company.  Tomorrow is his birthday, so invited a few folks out today.  We had hand sanitizer, Clorox wipes and lots of space. We invited folks to move tables to wherever they were comfortable.
My peonies and viburnum are in full bloom.

It was so lovely to feel somewhat normal.

Jimi is supposed to come home today, but they sure were taking their time. I surely hope he gets a break from the hospital for a while.  Thank you for your prayers.

Update on Uncle Jimi

They've now lifted the "No Visitors" at the hospital. Today was day 8 of Jimi's 5 th visit since February. I was able to see him this afternoon. Honestly, he's about the best looking critically ill person you will ever hope to see.  I think he had his 8th scope yesterday, swallowed the camera twice last week and had a nuclear abdominal scan.  Through all of this, nothing really has changed.  His liver has failed, which pushes the blood back into the stomach, so over and over they've looked for any other source of bleeding, but other than two ulcers, fairly easily healed, the seeping stomach veins have been the culprit.  At the second scope, the doctor said he was not a candidate for a liver transplant, and wasn't a good candidate for the the only other option, a TIPS procedure, where a stent is placed in the blocked area.  Why? It sends toxins straight to the heart without being cleaned up and doesn't process ammonia, which goes to the brain and causes confusion.  Because his heart is not in great shape already, he didn't indicate that TIPS was an option.
After four more visits with no different results,  I knew this TIPS procedure would come up again, because really, there is not another option.  It isn't a good one.  Their new reasoning, according to Jimi is that he has withstood blood levels so low that they are virtually unheard of, in living people anyway, and potassium levels so high to never, ever seen or heard of, so who knows, maybe he will withstand this treatment and be able to have some time without an IV pumping blood in as fast as his stomach is pumping it out.
I requested to speak to the doctor about what to look for specifically and how to proceed when these things were noticed. Bless his heart, his primary care doc called me this evening to do just that, inviting me to call him anytime.
I feel like Jimi has made the only decision he can, to proceed.  Needless to say, the endless revolving hospital visits are no way to live.
He asked for prayer for the procedure at noon tomorrow.
I made it through the Google Hangout Awards this evening with my students.   One of our student's father passed away from Covid, Jimi's dilemma and the loss of a friend made it strange to celebrate, but I got it done.
So,  my teaching with my second grades is done.  A very different end than I hoped for, but grateful they are all well and so am I.
Some days this world seems sadder than others.
Update- Wednesday, May 20th- It seems the procedure went well, thank the Lord.  Just time will tell the results.  Thank you for your prayers.
Update- Thursday, May 21- It is good for me to write the date and day, because without a schedule, I'm lost.  I went to visit after dialysis today.  He was pretty weary, but dialysis zaps him. This is day 9 and they've done zero PT, so he's weak.  The only change he feels, is feeling fuller. He hoped to come home today, but that was riding on a blood test he had not yet had.

A Different Sort of Day

Well, the blissful weekend didn't last long.  I was happy to pick Jimi up when the hospital released him Tuesday. We went straight to the doctor's office for him to swallow the camera pill.  Weird. No word on that, but again today dialysis sent him right back to the hospital for trip number five.  I just can't for the life of me understand how someone could lose so. much. blood. and them never find a source.
That was my first morning news, followed by the jarring news that a friend of mine died in her sleep.  What?  What?  No, just no.  I met her at the Episcopal church. She attended early service but would come to Holy Hikes.  Both of us had feeble Mama's.  Her sweet girl had a lot of learning issues so we talked teacher stuff and she was a heart nurse that kept a close check on Handy Man. We worked together with Art on the Parish Green.  We started a dinner group and had our last dinner on February 15.  Our little group keeps a close eye on an elderly couple and she just posted that I was a "good cookie" for helping with meals.  She was so funny with her southern accent and just easy to love.  My, my, my.
So, I just seemed to spend a lot of time twisting around doing nothing, so finally I went outside and continued working in my crazy garden.  It sure isn't very pretty right now, though perhaps interesting.


We got the new bed filled up tonight and I've nearly gotten around the tilled part with tall branches.  I just keep fighting the deer and deer keep winning, we'll see.
I have planted wildflower seeds every where.  I was pulling my tall grass straw to move it somewhere to block, er slow down weeds  when I saw two eggs, or so I thought.  I felt bad, feeling I had disturbed a nest under the grass. Pulled off more and the"eggs" were everywhere.  I thought the orange thing was a hiding nerf bullet till I got a closer look. The "egg' were leathery and assumed I'd disturbed snake eggs. Oh boy.



But what in the world is this orange finger? tube?  casing?  What?

So Rae identified it as a stinkhorn mushroom. Absolute weirdest thing I've ever found in the yard. 

Okie dokie, going to take my aching head and heart to bed.

Sugar Smack

Saturday and Sunday were kind of a syrupy sweet sort of Hallmark oasis for me this year.  Now and again I feel the need to be super ooey-gooey,  but I hesitate, even when I'm feeling it because, for so very many reasons, I know others aren't having the same experience.  At the same time, I'd like to be able to look back on these two days in detail and smile big.  What I  would like is to bottle the feeling and be able to pull it out and rub it on and relive it, smell the sunshine, feel the laughter bubbling up, focus on a smiling face, feel for a minute that all is "Just Right," in my world.
Part of it, owing to Corona, might be that I just had zero expectations.
So, I will lay it down here, in all its simple glory to come back, look and see and smile.
After the frost of Friday night, Handy Man and I headed to school to unwrap the garden.  It was sunny and beautiful blue skies, and silly though it may be, delightful to see healthy plants and tiny seedlings survived.

Our school had a plant sale and pick-up was Friday. Aunt Suzie asked me to buy her Mother's Day gifts to help the school- nice. I was included in the gift of a basket of flowers.  I left them in my room, less to cover.  We gathered those as well and headed back home to do the same in our tent city yard.
One plant was for Alex's mom, so he came and got it and brought his girl friend that I hadn't yet got to meet, so we social distanced in the yard and I was just so very glad to see them
 Aunt Tish gifted me with shrimp for supper, but I needed to fix it, because she's allergic.  My little Giddy-up loves shrimp and was still reeling from the loss of his bunny girls, so I asked Rae if a change of scenery would help, since it was warming up enough to be outside.
Before they got here, Jakester came and brought me a beautiful rhododendron that Jimi wanted me to have for Mother's Day.  That was a big, unexpected, sweet surprise.

He was able to stay for supper to, so we had a delicious supper outside.  Giddy-Up wanted to hatchet a log in two and Mr. Smiley took to sawing, so Rae and I visited while I planted some flowers in Mom's garden and walked around checking out things that were peeping out.
I am so glad to have a daughter who loves plants as much as me.
In the evening, I got a call from Drummer Boy saying he and the Captain planned to install a third garden bed.  Hurrah!
Then Sunday morning I had a little breakfast treat from Handy Man and a homemade card.
I watched some friends church services.  Bean and Bugg were remote scripture readers for their church's service, so I loved seeing them and hearing them read.
The guys came and started the bed.  I've hardly laid eyes on them this spring since the Captain started a new business that hasn't been hampered by the virus.
I, likely through tears, spoke here of beginning to haul out the baby stuff, since our baby turned five.  The crib is no longer considered safe, so no passing it along. We took it apart and concreted in the beds to use as trellises.

In true Mama fashion, not much makes me happier than a yard full of my people.  For just awhile we were all working out there together.

The Captain brought a beautiful planter, then Rae came with sourdough bread and seeds to become plants later, but not just any seeds-be still my heart, along with a few already growing plants they raised.



Gwen brought another lovely plant and her crew made me cards.


Ceece brought me the most delightful little treat- a personal charcuterie tray. What?  So adorable and it was delicious.


In addition, a sweet  little Mother's Day tribute on FaceBook which I shamelessly relished.  Can't help it, I'm a word person and I live amongst folks of very few words.

They barely finished the new raised bed before a brief cloud burst, so I fed those who remained.

I had a last delivery to make, so we headed out to Ol' Mother Hubbard's and the rain was gone so I was able to walk around and see where they planted all the things I shared earlier.  I got a new LOTR card game.

Lastly, I came home to finish up dinner for Leesh.  I had been wanting to do something for our devoted ICU nurse who makes things happen.  I figured a good meal at the end of long Mother's Day shift might be the best course.



There were other cards and messages. It was a full, bright, busy day.

I wondered why this day felt so different.  For once, I really wasn't grieving my Mom and sisters.  Whoa, that is sure enough out of character for me.  Why, because, for the span of this virus and all its implications, I am glad they are not here.  Neither Mom or Kaye ever wanted to be by themselves, but most especially in the event of a hospital stay, which happened all the time.  I find myself grateful that they did not have to see such days and that we didn't have to be wringing our hands over their distress.  Now we're on day seven of Jimi's stay and he is someone who is quite reclusive and he's about to pull his hair out.
So, thankful for all the delights. As this school year and my challenge of e-learning is drawing to a close, I'm so thankful I will have plants galore to keep me entertained.  Warm, summerish weather is headed our way the end of this week, so hopefully there will entertaining in the yard while we ride out this new way of living.

The Corona Frost

I had thought, being this time of May, that any danger of frost was past, alas, no. Well, there is no way I could have all this time and sunshine on my hands and not plant.  One of my great joys is just walking around seeing if any wee seed sprouted, or if there is a bit of bloom where there wasn't.
I had also done a lot of work and planting in the school garden, so when we were under threat last night, I spent most of the afternoon and evening, once the rain stopped, trying to cover everything up.

Looks like we managed well.  Sadly, in my yard I forgot two things that I very much wanted protected. A big early tomato and a new butterly plant, wooly dutch pipevine.
The tomato is dead.
The pipevine doesn't look bothered.
I didn't have any choice but to use plastic in the school garden. I always purchase those plastic flannel back tablecloths when they are clearanced to use for all sorts of messy projects in the classroom.  I had one plant in the garden that was good sized already. The top was smashed by the tablecloth and got a little damage but not much. Otherwise, all plants looked good.
Some things I do want to remember-
The most of my rose that I covered looks exactly like the part I didn't cover, unbothered, same for my  Japanese Maple.
The chameleon vine under cover, due to the dahlias, and out were unbothered.
I covered seedlings with cardboard, which was good enough thankfully.
My peonies about to bloom,  and abelia in full bloom, held up wonderfully.
Please, can we done with frost?

My sweet Giddy-Up witnessed a dog tearing into his bunny cage and killing their angora girls before anyone could save them.  He's a sensitive littlest bit and will have a mighty hard time with this.

On the Uncle Jimi front.  Still in the hospital, getting dialysis and more blood.  He says they can't do the camera pill impatient. Since nothing is being done to stop the bleeding, I don't understand at all how he can be outpatient.  Dear me, I feel so bad for him stuck in there.  I feel bad for so many and grateful to be home, cooking for my people and playing in my plants.
 Thank you Lord for this sunshiny day.  Thanks for every good and perfect gift and for what there is to learn from the things that don't feel much like gifts.

To all who mother someone with tender love and care I wish you a happy Mother's Day.

9 Lives

For those of you checking in for an update, Jimi returned to the hospital via ambulance from dialysis yesterday morning.  This time in the worse shape he's been in since the first time. Hemoglobin below 4. Again, a level incompatible with life.  He's getting more poured in at the moment. I'm guessing there can be no going in to look around until he has enough blood to sustain life. It is challenging for me to settle myself to anything while I sit here waiting for each new update.

Like, my principal asked for me to do an enrichment  video for our school youtube or fb or something or other.  Boo Hiss.  There are so very many professional, amazing tutorials that I really was drawing a blank about what to do that any kid would care about. Ultimately I did it because she asked me. I don't think there is a kid who will care about it.
I remembered that I had included in my student's science packet some construction paper to make cards by putting a plant on the paper and allowing the paper around the plant to fade, creating a print of the plant on the paper, thus demonstrating the big science word "photo degradation."

Well of course, I had to do it to be able to show it. 

I didn't think it would take long to show it, so thought I'd add something else I'd been meaning to try. Supposedly, you can pound flowers and plants into material and make prints that way as well. 

I thought I'd find out how to set the dye and see if Ceece would make me  a mask.

Umm, fail.  I got mostly nothing from my pounding.  I do love how it looks in the picture though. 

So, back to this video. The fb gatekeeper couldn't use my video and asked that I just make another one on my phone.  I can't make videos on my phone first of all and second of all I don't want to have to do that again.  So after much fuss and bother and numerous back and forth e-mails, ultimately I had to put it on my fb book page so it can be shared to the school fb page or some such nonsense.  So not only have I made e-learing videos, and took a selfie that I posted on my blog, I've now put a video of my face on fb.  Done, over and out!

Edit- I don't think they can do a scope for Jimi because they can't get his blood level up to snuff.  They are going to try the "swallow the camera pill" route.  He does have a room with a window at least.  I went down this afternoon to wave at the mirrored and pray and it was noon and the employees were all out front to meet for prayer. It was sweet to see. 

Hide Your Crazy

I see the value of hiding your crazy.  I am always a little shocked and amazed at some of the things folks share on social media.
Still, I do have a conflict with painting a picture  where all the pieces are neat and pretty.
I have a longing to be that person who is so appreciative of a piece of ground, roof over my head, good food and a loving helpmate,  a Savior, the Holy Spirit, a job, and yes, I could go on and on, that I just grin and never have a bad day.
But, I have my crazy like most of the people I know.
I hate cleaning, and double hate cleaning by myself.  Now if there is a reason to rush in to help, and clean and leave it, where it will ever be clean in memory, I'm your girl.
Cleaning something that will need cleaning again,  just about drives me over the edge. Literally to tears-crazy.  Everything in my world is ever in need of cleaning because I have never been able to mature into neatness.  I am Pigpen. If it can be spilled, I'll get'er done now.  And, of course, I simply lack any backbone in telling my littles that they can't do something, no matter how involved or messy.
In the back of my mind, when the word came that I would not be returning to my classroom, I knew the gig was up. I had figured out how to do the videos, and my age and state of fitness doesn't allow me to work outside more than a few hours and then you know it rains and stuff.  I knew I had to bite the bullet and do some very needed things.
I have done a bit in fits and starts.  I cleaned a hall closet, went through old bills and papers and piles and rid myself of much.  I also cleaned the fairy corner at school. Still left are one hundred other things.
So today-

A morning spent here.  Tomorrow, or Wednesday or Thursday if I can find anything else to do, the pantry.  Saturday, the back porch. Bleh!

Well, I realized I could not keep purchasing books. They cost too much and I don't like most of them.  A danger of reading a few, ahem,  few hundred perhaps, wonderful books is that is gets harder and harder to find just as good of ones. 

Along with all the other things missed is the magical world of our library, where I just click on whatever sounds good and go by and pick it up. I'll take this gift over drive-thru restaurants any day.  Handy Man has a Kindle, bleh.  I have a teacher iPad, so as my purchased books were  dwindling, and I read a book at least every other day, I decided to get the app for the library service where you can download books to some device. 

I don't like reading that way, but desperate times.  So I sign up and  and ready to click "get" when it alerts me that I need an update.  I remembered, before I left for Vermont, that I had taken it in to the tech people and school and they had updated.  The device itself said it was updated, but it wasn't what I had to have.  I contacted the boss and she contacted the tech people and they sent along a PDF.  Amazingly enough, I had actually tried what was there, so back to drawing board.
I am guessing you know the end to this story. My iPad 4 isn't inclined to allow for this latest update, which is required by the library app. GRRRRRRRRRR!  Technology brings out the cuss in me faster than anything I know of. I am holding to hope that as we move back into communal life, that the library will let us pick-up and drop off books.  I do know that I'm allowed to return to the classroom, so that will compete with house cleaning.
Uncle Jimi made it through the week without returning to the hospital.
And our two littles turned 5 and 6 at the beginning and end of last week.  I don't know how this keeps happening so quickly.

So, with the frig cleaning behind me, that is until I spill something, I'm off to make hay while the sun shines.