Sunday, July 12, 2009

Warning: Kind of Sad

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1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun2 a: a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b: an intricate and difficult problem

I like that word conundrum. I guess because I think life is certainly intricate and often difficult.
So, the conundrum for the the day is how do you have a happy heart when the situation is so not happy. Let's face it, I can't go around with a broken heart all the time, but where do you take it out and put it to keep it safe, until you've done the right thing, the good thing?
If you haven't guessed already, it was a Kaye visit day. She wasn't feeling well, wasn't communicating well, having cramps in her legs.
My brother-in-law is trying so hard. He wants so badly to keep her home. He believes she is happier there and he can take better care of her and keep her safer from all the nasty bugs waiting to catch a wild ride on some poor immune depressed soul hanging around a hospital or nursing home. Desperately he wants her to get better and to bring a little joy into her day.
It is heartbreaking to watch this sweetness, this hope in the face of one virus and infection after another. It is heartbreaking to be so helpless to affect a change in folks I care so much about.
To many, my life might not be so exciting, being all hepped up about grandkids and chickens, but it's living a dream for me. So, in such simple things I find such deep pools of joy and gratitude. When the yard is full of laughing happy poopies and the chicken tractor is full of cheerfully chirping chickie girls, I am completely content. Tonight we watched Bugg and Bean while mom went to Knitting for a Need and 1st Lt. was off doing his military duty. Bugg was dropped off first as Bean was fishing with Opa. Bugg seldom has the beloved dolphin swing to herself and took full advantage of her time alone. Handy Man and I spelled each other when our arms couldn't go another push. I sang all her favorite songs and happily swam and splashed in her smiles and enthusiatic laughter. Bean joined us and Handy Man Pappy reported that he'd seen some pirate activity in the woods and a glint of what might be a buried treasure. With spades in hand, we fearlessly ventured further and further into the deep dark woods, and low and behold, there was unusual mounds of dirt. Suspicious toddlers curiously dug around to reveal treasures hidden in the earth. Some unusual fungi, and a for real animal skull added to the adventure.
In a short time we made friends with a lovely toad, changed the water and admired our nearly frog tadpoles, fed, then put up the chickie girls, had popsicles and more. An evening of fun.
But, I remember four other littles with a Granny and Poppy who may never be able to do the things I do. Today, Kaye just managed a little smile and hello when Ol' Henry and Baby Boy came to visit. It's hard for me to let it go. It's hard for me to not ask why. It is just hard.
In a happier day, Pete worked second shift and would stop by some mornings and visit Ol'Henry when he was new. It wasn't long until Ol' Henry was interested in what came in the cup Poppy faithfully showed up with, and coffee sipping began. Today, as soon as he arrived, he wanted some of Poppy's coffee. My heart never stays where I leave it. It wondered, "Will Poppy ever be able to make such a memory for Antebellie, Miss Linee and Baby Boy?"
It's been more than three months since Kaye hit her head. Who ever would have dreamed a bump on the head could cause such suffering?
I pray, in the midst of all this, she can find some joy, reasons each day to lift her head and smile, maybe some days of mostly feeling good. Pete can live with that and I must learn to, but what to do with that broken heart. A conundrum indeed.

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